Paris Releases ‘Jizz’

 Las Vegas Sun 29 May, 2008

At a star-studded event in Las Vegas on Sunday night Paris Hilton launched her new fragrance “Jizz”™. “This is the culmination of my life’s work thus far, which has seen ‘Jizz’ brought to the point where I can now finally share the experience with as many women as possible” said the fashion icon.

“‘Jizz’ has my fingerprints all over it; I have my fingerprints all over ‘Jizz’! I have lived it, breathed it - studied it up close and personally. I can proudly say, that this time, I was intrinsic in its creation. I truly hope ‘Jizz’ does for you, what it’s already clearly done for me” stated an exhausted, yet, very proud Miss Hilton.

‘Jizz’ goes on sale tomorrow at WalMart. www.walmart.com

Grease Defends Kobe’s Dig at Anna Nicole’s Corpse.

 by Doug Ellin

Lakers star Kobe Bryant, fresh from his game-5 victory against the Spurs, defended allegations at a press conference this morning that he had “non-consensual sex’ with Anna Nicole Smith’s corpse 12 months ago. Security footage surfaced on YouTube last week taken at the Hollywood Forever Funeral Home implicating the Laker’s point guard. http://www.hollywoodforever.com/Hollywood

 

“Anna was definitely up for it” stated the Laker’s MVP “She had text me earlier that night with her address.”

 

When reporters asked how this could have happened, as she had already infact been dead for 8 days prior to their encounter, a red-faced and confused Bryant slumped in his chair.  His Lawyer, Richard Grease™, sprung to his defence and fielded the question: “Just because you hear a women is a, quote-unquote, ‘dead root’ doesn’t mean they don’t know how to work a cell phone”, Grease stated.  

“Being ‘good in the sack’, or sporting a ‘rack’ shouldn’t negate these important facts: Miss Smith was no brain-surgeon, that’s not the issue, but if they were handing out gold medals for filatio, she’d be a triple Olympian.”  As a fellow athlete, Grease went on to say ”It would’ve been unsportsmanlike” for his client to have refused her offer.

 

When the room full of stunned reporters asked to see proof of the alleged text message, Bryant and Grease beat a hasty exit.

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“Space Aliens” and Dripping Dicks!

         May 26, 2008 by Jim Bhat

CIA Director Gene Greensleeves™ has laughed off reports that he was leading an investigation into a crashed UFO. Reports surfaced last week, after a New Jersey private eye, Dick Drippingly™made the bizarre allegations that, not only was the CIA “covering up the crash”, but also, currently “tracking the Alien pilot” across the country. “This makes the  Roswell incident look like a picnic”  stated Drippingly when interviewed on yesterday morning’s WABC drive time. 

He went on to say that ”not only was the alien infiltration known at the ‘highest levels of Government’, but a Senator’s son (not named) had also been kidnapped by the Alien, sparking a massive search across two states spearheaded by the F.B.I .”

Greensleeves said Drippingly’s assertions were “assinine”, prompting this curt reply from the detective: “He called me the ‘ass!?’  I think the reverse is true. I’ve been a P.I. for 25 years, Greensleeve’s involved in a massive cover-up! Trust me, as a seasoned  ‘dick’, I can always spot an ‘ass’!”

The FBI was unavailable for comment at press time.

                      Watch this!  www.xfiles.com   IN THEATRES JULY 25

Ballroom bukakki!

The Washington Post- Tom Durong  Sunday May 25, 09:31 AM

A press conference held this morning at the Marriot’s grand ballroom by the mysterious and controversial doctor, Earnest Bukakki™, outlined his plans for “Apeshit Construction”. The new enterprise will be shepherded by his long-term assistants, Andy™ and Geoffrey™. Bukakki pressed on, in at times ‘vague detail’, to present the full gamut of the new venture’s planned operations. ”It will handle a diverse slate”,  he stated including the construction of  “ships, skyscrapers, homes, power-plants, trains, planes, motorcycles, umbrellas, seesaws and time-machines” .  Apeshit plans to tackle the environmental problems head on, the ex-surgeon continued  ”with new and secret initiatives designed to help heal planet earth, whilst at the same time, building  infrastructure vital for our future.” “Going green” will be Apeshit’s watchword” he stated this morning.

When the two former bellhops were asked for comment, Andy proceeded to defecate in his hand and hurl it at the reporters, while Geoffrey swung from the ballroom’s crystal chandelier and urinated on the guests. One female reporter fainted, leaving the obvious question begging: “was there a doctor in the house? if so, why’d he pass out bananas!”

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“JACKSON USES GREASE!”

 

by Dan Fields                                                 

Attorney Richard Grease™ (made famous defending super-surgeon doctor Earnest Bukakki’s decision to leave over a billion dollars to a pair of chimps) yesterday unveiled his long-awaited strategy in his attempt to sway jury members into handing down a “not guilty” verdict in the disgraced singers latest sex scandal.  But it would appear the hype and promise was just that. 

In a display that one juror called  ”amateurish” , Grease tried to paint his client as a “victim”, not a “predator”.  ”Basically, the problem is this… “ Grease stated as he picked up a newspaper. “Twenty years ago, the headline was ‘JACKSON DOES MOONWALK’.” Grease picked up another paper. “Today, it’s: ‘JACKSON MOONS KID’. Some might see it as a legal problem. I see it as a PR problem and I hope you do to. Basically, my clients the meat in the sandwich. It might be a ’sex sandwich’, but I’ve gotta get him out of it.” The question remains: “Is he Peter Pan? or Peter Pervert?”

Later in proceedings Grease countered the charges of “paedophile” with an astonishing outburst: “We can trace everything back to the father, he exclaimed. Michael was abused as a kid. Michael was over-worked as a kid. And worst of all, he was given the wrong name as a kid. Michael should have been called ‘Randy’!”

With a stone-faced judge and a unimpressed Jury,  Grease was heard at one point leaning over to his star client and whispering: “Jackson be nimble, Jackson be quick, Jackson better get out of the country quick-sticks!”

Closing arguments will be heard tomorrow.

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Blacky lands Lohan film; Lohan filmed by Blacky!

The Hollywood Reporter by Sam Dwiss

Reports surfaced yesterday from the set of Lindsay Lohan’s new movie: “If you can’t beat ém, beat off!™“  that have sparked a media frenzy in Tinseltown. An incident between her co-star Blacky™, making his feature film debut, who has been engaged in heated arguments about Lindsay’s professionalism on set, or “lack there-of!” has resulted in the controversial ass being fired.

Speaking off the record, an inside source said that yesterdays on-set spat went something like this:

Lindsay Lohan was on set talking to the Director, Peter Uke when Blacky approached her and innocently asked her what her opening line was for his cue: ”Y’know, like, I haven’t learnt my lines for this scene.” she stated  ”Excuse me?” Blacky said. “I never learn my lines. I prefer to work things out, like, y’know, with the director, so we’ll call you when we need you and please do not speak to me directly ever again.”  The “Mean Girls” star warned him. “Okay. That’s fine.”  Blacky told her: “You guys work out whatever you have to work out. I know I’m fairly new at this, but, personally, I believe that an actor should learn his or her lines and they should be humble and gracious. That’s just the way I see it.”

 ”Who cares what you think” Lohan lashed back ”you’re just a big dumb jackass, who got famous for biting someone on the chest!” After a long pause Lindsay flicked her hair and shrugged at her four-legged co-star, who calmly retorted: “Okay, that’s fine. If you don’t think you need to learn your lines, then that’s your business. But you’re wasting my time, okay?  So here’s what I’m going to do while you “y’know, work things out.” he mocked. ”I’m going to go back to my trailer, to review the surveillance footage of you completely naked while you took a shower this morning. That’s right, I put a surveillance camera in the roof of your trailer!” He stated. ”So you guys work out whatever it is you need to do while I go and whack off.”

Within minutes of dropping the stunning bombshell, security arrived en masse and surrounded Lohan’s trailer. Upon investigation a small recording device was found hidden in the vent above her shower .

The Lohan camp immediately contacted authorities.

Cast and crew, led by the director, and the near hysterical Lohan camp, approached and surrounded the trailer of her tempestuous co-star.  After repeated attempts to prise open his door the behoved star appeared, dressed only in a robe and holding a bottle of Scotch, to address the assembled mob.

“Suddenly, his trailer door was dramatically flung opened” said a crew member. “The actor stepped out and calmly said”… ”Look: It’s done. I’ve jerked-off to it, I’ve uploaded it onto YouTube, I’ve called TMZ.com, it’s out there, you’re fucked. Next time, learn your lines!”

Lindsay Lohan, speaking through her agent and Lawyer Richard Grease issued this statement. “I am deeply disappointed in Blacky’s actions. He has damaged by name, my reputation and my brand recognition factor”.

When asked if he regretted the incident Blacky simply shrugged “I only agreed to do the stupid flick ’cause I wanted to try and bang the bitch, she’s lucky I didn’t crush her lungs”.

Donkey act 2: Ass Gets His Ass Thrown Behind Bars.

24.05.08

A donkey in Mexico that acted like a jackass  and was freed last week from jail has spent the following weekend partying it up in Las Vegas

The Televisa network on Wednesday showed Blacky on CCTV footage gambling at the Las Vegas Palms hotel.   Blacky gambled more than 200 thousand dollars in a marathon 26-hour session which one patron described it as “a mad frenzy of chips, cash, carrots and oats”.

When Blacky couldn’t come up with the balance after being extended a generous line of credit by the management he was asked to leave the premises by hotel security staff. Blacky became enraged and witnesses, on the scene, described the ensuing fight where  [Blacky] “kicked, bit, spat and urinated on and at hotel staff.” 

After spending the night in jail, Blacky was freed on bail posted by his good friend Sean Combs who told the assembled reporters “Blacky is a unique talent, he loved and supported his friend and knows he may be down, but certainly not out”. Rumors abound that Blacky will join P-diddy on the European leg of his upcoming tour.

Sunday night saw the antics move to The Belagio where things again quickly turned sour. Reports have surfaced that Blacky was swimming naked in the rooftop pool with a “drunk” Paris Hilton. 

When hotel staff were called to the scene, they witnessed Blacky defecating on Miss Hilton while dancing around a sombrero.

A spokesman for the fashion diva has angrily denied the report and reading from a prepared statement said: ”Blacky was indeed a friend of Miss Hilton’s, but lately he has given her the shits.”

Preface by Thomas Peep:

In posting this record of events I have put my life in grave danger. Two quotes spring to mind, four laws and a mysterious parting shot from one of this century’s greatest minds:

 

“The world is a fine place, and worth fighting for.” - 
  —  Ernest Hemingway

 

 

“There are events which are so great that if a writer has participated in them his obligation is to write truly rather than assume the presumption of altering them with invention.” - Ernest Hemingway

Arthur C. Clarke’s four laws:

1. “When a distinguished but elderly scientist states that something is possible, he is almost certainly right. When he states that something is impossible, he is very probably wrong.”

2. “The only way of discovering the limits of the possible is to venture a little way past them into the impossible.”

3. “Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic.”

4. “The only thing that kills a Washington political career is being caught with a dead girl or a live boy.”                 

 Arthur C. Clarke: ARRESTED IN NORTHEAST THAILAND:

                                                                                                             

 

• “Soon to depart this planet, I feel it time to reveal one of my life’s great discoveries. A large conspiracy looms over every man, woman and child on this planet, imprisoning all within its vast reach… From our shared vantage point, a seemingly dark and impenetrable forest spans the horizon. But, within it, an observable fact, or event, in which a vast scheme is at play.Compiling fragmented text from the millions of seemingly unrelated articles over the last 100 years of print, one can see the forest for the trees and slowly piece together the complex puzzle - ”The Grand Plan”.  This ‘plan’, this ’conspiracy’ is shrouded by a black cape which hides a cabalic fraternity of evil, cloaking the elite few who thrive within its existence and duping the many who would dare challenge its authority. What I’m trying to say, is simply this: smoke ‘em if you got ‘em, because ladies and gentleman, we’re all fucked!” - Carl Sagan Nov 1996