Pratt or Prat?

Spencer (“I’m a Prat”) Pratt went on Letterman two weeks ago to proudly exclaim that he will not attend a nightclub anymore unless they pay him an appearance fee of $100,000.  Inquiries made soon after revealed that the truth to this statement lies somewhere in the middle, with certain Vegas hot-spots stating they would pay him well over his $100,000 fee to “stay away!” “I don’t want to speak ill of the dead” said one club owner on the strip, “But this guy is just a world class asshole, I would rather have the ‘Westside Rentals guy’ handing out flyer’s to my place, than that thick-headed barrel-of-puke’ having any association with my joint”. 

“I’m convinced [Pratt] he’s suffering from some form of mental illness” said another owner. “Have you seen the shape of his head? Living proof that man has descended from primates” added another proprietor.  “Has anyone ever measure his eyebrows to his hairline, the guy looks like someone put the bottom half of his face in a vice. His forehead looks like you could play an NBA finals on it.”  Another said: “He looks like Exeter from ‘This Island Earth’.”

One club owner in LA, who had reportedly paid the appearance fee, refused to comment in detail, only to say that: “it is ludicrous to suggest is was anywhere near the $100,000 that he reports. Hell, we don’t have money for things like that, we’re just a low-rent strip-joint near the airport, the only reason I paid him anything was the fact that his Mom use to work here”.

But the club owner’s accountant did send a follow-up email to us just before press time, clarifying the point that “yes Mr. Pratt was indeed paid an appearance fee, which constituted a couple of free drink cards in the amount of $200.”

The email went on to say that: “unfortunately Mr. Prat did not finish the entire amount allotted to him as he was removed by security soon after he passed out.”

The barman who served Mr. Pratt was contacted and had this to say.  “He asked me for something that would ‘just blow my mind’”. Since management had coughed up for this little dweeb, and was a last minute replacement for us after Don Knotts had cancelled, I thought I’d better start him off slowly.  I poured him a non-alcoholic ‘Shirley Temple’. Of course, he had no idea what it was, and soon started swaying and loudly exclaiming to everyone who would listen ‘how wasted he was!’ shortly after, he passed out.” said the barman.

What can one say?  Other than offer this disclaimer:

Pronunciation:

\ˈprat\

Function:

noun

Etymology:

probably from argot prat buttocks

Date:

circa 1961

British : a stupid or foolish person, a coward,

a person, usually a man (sometimes an ape) with no balls!

American: One meaning (Spencer Pratt)

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The Lowe-down on Nanny-Gate

Rob Lowe’s nanny battle has just taken a new direction – the actor’s wife has filed a declaration suggesting Jessica Gibson was a “was nothing but a filthy little whore.”

Gibson filed a lawsuit in California in April alleging Lowe placed his hand inside her “pants in order to touch her crotch” and “grabbed Gibson’s buttocks without consent” several times between September 2005 to January 2008.

But Lowe’s wife Sheryl insists her former nanny isn’t the innocent party she’s claiming to be.www.sonypictures.com/movies/hancock/

In her declaration, obtained by TMZ.com, Sheryl Lowe alleges Gibson “sought attention from my husband”, and she recalls an improper moment when the Lowes took their nanny with them on a trip to England in 2005: “She (Gibson) had taken a shower and walked out of her bathroom, wrapped in only a towel, dripping wet and walked down two stories (sic) to the living room area where my husband was reading and on her back, written in red lipstick, were the words ‘I’m just daddy’s little fuck-toy’.

“When I saw her, I told her to go to her room and put on some clothes and never do that again.”

Meanwhile, two previous employees of the Lowes have come forward with further allegations against Gibson.

Tennis instructor Nigel Armstrong claims the former nanny flirted with him – despite the fact he was 26 years older than her.

In documents filed on Friday, Armstrong stated Gibson removed her pants and underwear and invited the tennis coach to, her words, “turn me into a human toilet” even though the Lowe’s sons were in the general area”.

And chef James Maclear, who worked for the Lowes from June to December in 2005, claims Gibson had an “overtly flirtatious manner” and asked him “if I knew the ingredients for a sex-sandwich?”

A legal declaration filed in Santa Barbara County Superior Court on Friday alleges that within hours of meeting her, Gibson had “changed into hot pants and was laying on the kitchen floor with her legs open in a very suggestive manner. “Sure I slept with her” the chef said, “but she was begging for it. I’m only human, even though, what I did to her, was probably inhuman. The tennis coach was much worse”, he said. “He offered her big money once to take his racket and serve his balls onto one of my salads”. When Gibson told him that his request made absolutely no sense, the coach countered with, “sure it does, dollars and cents!”

Heather Mills V Paul McCartney

Heather Mills was “nothing but a ‘high-priced hooker’ and if value for money was on trial today, Miss Mills would get 20 years behind bars” according to the judge presiding over the divorce hearing between herself and Paul McCartney . The stunning tirade was made public yesterday after a closed court hearing in which Judge Bennet handed down his findings. VISIT www.itunes.com

The judge went on to say that ”Miss Mill’s was a wooden-legged pirate and a saggy-titted whore.” “If the bitch was trying to fleece me like she did Mr McCartney I would have had fed her through a garden mulcher” stated justice Hugh Bennet.

Making reference to recent blockbusters like Pirates of The Caribbean and Lord Of The Rings, he slung insult after insult at the former model repeatedly referring to her as ”Blackbeard” and “Legolas”.

While the hearings have been taking place in closed-door sessions and neither side has—or likely will—commented on the details of the proceedings, their extension indicates the two sides have so far failed to come to terms on a financial settlement in the split.

But in a sign that the end is nigh, Court 34 at the Royal Courts of Justice where the proceedings are taking place, is booked only through Monday. The Judge went on to say “this money-grabbing slut better table a reasonable offer fast or she’ll get squat.” “Quite frankly, in my opinion, she doesn’t have a leg to stand on” he laughed.

Mills’ decision to represent herself in the case has also apparently contributed to the longer time frame and again received the ire from the Judge . “Miss Mills representing herself is likened to a low-rent porn-star performing brain surgery on themselves” laughed the judge.

O.J. SIMPSON: “Never Moon A Werewolf”

by Rowen Grogen

O.J. Simpson today said he could finally reveal the identity of the real killer of Ronald Goldman and Nicole Brown. Speaking to a packed assembly of reporters a nervous  Simpson stated “Nicole Brown and Ronald Goldman were in fact killed by a werewolf.” He went on to say that the recent book entitled “If I did it.” Was originally going to be called “What If I Told You A Werewolf Did It?“, but that the publishers had refused his pleas.

Simpson stated that the real identity of the killer was covered up back in 1994 by the Beverley Hills Police Department and the Los Angeles District Attorney. “I told them what happened, and they wouldn’t believe me.” Simpson went on to say that the werewolf may in fact have been a former teammate of his. ”I think he played with me on the San Francisco 49ers” Simpson said. ”It was speculated in many circles of the NFL that a werewolf had been drafted into the league”.

“We always suspected this one guy on our 49ers roster, we noticed that he leave a lot of hair in the drain after a shower, I mean a lot!.” Simpson went on to say that when his teammates would show him the horror film “The Howling” he’d breakdown and cry. “I once shot a silver bullet at him which just missed his head and he became enraged at me, the guy just had no sense of humor” said the former running back. Simpson went on to say that the alledged ”shape-shifter” developed a long-term grudge against him. “The truth can finally be revealed, I will no longer live in fear!”  stated a defiant Simpson.

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When asked how the events had actually unfolded on the night of June 12, 1994 Simpson went on to say the following: “That night I was being followed by a person who I believe to be a former teammate of mine, whilst driving in and around the Brentwood area. I pulled over to the side of the road and mooned him thinking that this may scare him off” Simpson said. “but, this actually enflamed the situation” Simpson claimed, it was at this point the man transformed into a werewolf and chased Simpson the three blocks to the apartment complex where Nicole Brown lived. “I dove into a hedge to conceal myself and managed to avoid reprisals” Simpson said in a quivering voice ”but Nicole and Ronald, I’m afraid to say, weren’t so lucky.  

This guy just went at them like a rabid animal, like  a madman, tearing the two of them to pieces.”

When pressed for reason why it had taken so long for him to reveal this new information Simpson said that upon his arrest, over a decade ago,  he was strongly advised by his legal team not to use the term “Werewolf” as part of his defense . “I have regretted the decision ever since, as there are probably still some people out there that might actually think, I’m the guy! said a remorseful Simpson. “I just hope, that after all these years, they can finally get the person responsible for this atrocity and bring him to justice. No-one should make excuses for this creep, or his affliction. Not PETA, not anyone! What he did was wrong! Plain and simple.”

Simpson supplied a police photo sketch of the attacker to the associated press, stating that it had been created back in 1994 by the Beverly Hills Police Department.  Last night they confirm that the alleged assailant was never part of any official police investigation.

“Grrr!” The police photo-sketch of the person Simpson now

claims is the real murderer of Nicole Brown and Ronald Goldman:

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