Rush Limbuagh Writes for The Onion

28-weeks-later

Left, right... Left!

Presumed to be a leftest-leaning satirical mouth-piece The Onion magazine received a  credibility body-blow when it was revealed yesterday, by senior editor Chris Dolmey, that Rush Limbuagh  has been contributing a weekly column to the magazine for the last ten years.

“I know this will come as a great shock to a lot of people, but, alas, it’s true.” When asked to elaborate Dolmey, speaking from Hawaii, went on to state “in the early 90s, Rush would always faxed us with story ideas;  ’Attack this!’ ‘Speak out against them’ ‘Go after this issue!’. We had his email on our spam list for a long time, then he discovered Skype and after he realized he could get free calls, they started pouring in, sometimes ten a day.”

THIS ONION STINKS

Dolmey, in defensive mode continued ”Rush has a lot of enemies out there, and many of these people he is too…uh, chicken, I guess, to confront on air. I guess sponsor dollars and other such politics come into play, so he turned to us. In the end, frankly,  it was easier to just give him his own column, rather than comb through his weekly shit-list.”

Besieged Onion Chief Editor - Chris Dolmey

Dolmey said Rush writes under the pen-name ‘Chris Oward’

Denying that the the Onions credibility may now be lying in tatters, Dolmey admitted that Limbuagh, in the past, had been the catalyst behind many of the magazines most famous pieces.

SEAN HANNITY CUMS TUMBLING OUT OF THE CLOSET

Hannity: Gay and proud ...and glad!

At an impromptu press conference today out-spoken Fox News political pundit Sean Hannity admitted publicly for the first time that he was in fact gay and was, and is, intimitely involved with his hair dresser of 22 years. “He cut my locks, and I sucked his… well, you do the math” a beaming Hannity purred to the throng of reporters assembled at JFK airport.

When asked where he was heading Hannity stated that he was on his way to Berlin for the annual love parade “where things like this aren’t frowned upon.”  ”I’m gay and proud”  he stated emphatically.  When asked what he was proud of, Hannity was lost for words. “Shouldn’t you be gay and glad?” one reporter fired back.

Hannity defiantly responded “I’ll be wearing nothing but riding chaps for the next 10 days, I think I’ll be mighty glad by the end of it, don’t you?” . Within minutes he had disappeared down the jet-way.  Several reporters later stated  that they had heard Hannity calling out seductively to the pilot “Hey, Captain, I can’t wait to find out why it’s called the ‘cock-pit!?’” Then he was heard to say: “Screw the mile high-club, let’s get the party started, wanna join the 18 feet high-club!” (The height of  a grounded 747  flight deck)

The flight was a package tour,  380  special guests [ mostly hand-picked young robust men] were crammed aboard the nonstop flight to Berlin.

Cum 'n' get it! A 747 - packed with cheer

Other dignitaries that have been unconfirmed to have been accompanying Hannity on the flight were,  Phil Spectre, Rush Limbaugh, fellow Fox contributor Bill O’reilly and a overly excited Richard Simmons, who was reportedly “greased up like a channel swimmer.”

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PRESIDENT ELECT BARACK OBAMA TO LEGALIZE “WEED”

President Obama "sparking up a J"

NEW YORK (CNNMoney.com) — President-elect Barack Obama was set Monday to begin the push for sweeping legislation to legalize the personal and private use of marijuana aimed at reviving an economy mired in recession.

Obama is meeting with top legislators from both parties including House Speaker Nancy Pelosi, D-Calif., and Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid, D-Nev., as well as Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell, R-Ky., and House Minority Leader John Boehner, R-Ohio.

Obama is also planning to deliver a major “Wake’n'bake” speech on marijuana on Thursday, a senior Democratic official told CNN.

The president-elect will propose that marijuana sit alongside alcohol as the ‘”go-to drug” for the next generation and be immediately available to anyone, at any age, who wants to “spark-it-on-up.” The move is aimed to generate massive amounts of revenue for the new administration from taxing the “demon weed.” He has not publicly put a price tag on his overall stimulus plan, though his advisers have said they expect it to bring in between $675 billion and $775 billion, annually from legalization.  According to an Obama spokesman several more drugs are under serious consideration for being legalized.

NEW YORK’S ECONOMY MAY GET SHOT IN THE ARM: Obama may be on the verge of offering Heroin to individuals in New York. The drug would work essentially act as a payroll  credit, meaning the “smack” could be used by companies as a line of credit normally needed for payrole tax.

New York State's stimulus package

The “Heroin credit” is likely to be offered only to those below a certain income level, but the Obama team hasn’t specified where the cut-off point would be. Only to say:  “The more children you have, the more likelier a candidate you make.” The credit also would be refundable, meaning that even users without any  liability — typically very low-income workers — would receive more for family and friends.

 

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BUSH DECLARES: “2009 WILL BE HIS GREATEST YEAR IN OFFICE.”

Bush answers reporters

President Bush today welcomed in the new year by addressing a packed Whitehouse press corp. He stated that although 2008 ended on a down note, 2009 would see the economy, the war in Iraq and his own personal approval rating all make dramatic upward turns.  Asked how he reasoned this Bush went on to elaborate:  ”Just before Christmas, I met with about 20 young preschoolers, who have been around as long as I’ve been in office, heard the insults and the attacks on my character over the years, but they had hope in their mouths, and cheer in their eyes; their ears were singing loudly, their little hearts, beating with pride, because I, their President, was addressing them. “The President went on to say “see, these children’s is our future, we need them to stay positive, and not be hobbled by all this negativity. They are the ones that will be our future leaders, and I will be glad to lead them.

When reporters asked in follow-up, when and how he would be leading this new generation the president remarked “Why as their Commander and Chief, of course.” When told that he only has 18 days left to serve in office, President Bush  look confused and turned to his advisers, many of whom beat a hasty exit. Presdient Bush turned back to the stunned assembly and meekly stated “If the country wants a new president then they will have to vote them in, and whomever it is, will need to get more votes than I, see, that’s how a democracy functions… The uh, winner takes all!”

When told by reporters that this had already taken place and Barack Obama was our new president, and that he had already received him at the Whitehouse last month the President said: “Oh, you mean that ‘black guy”, I thought he was a new butler”. 

Another reporter fired away: “Isn’t it true, Mr. President that you greeted those children dressed as Santa? And that the disguise would have made it virtualy impossible for you to be identify at all?” A nervous Bush countered with: “Santa Clause is an American too!”

President Bush meets his new butler

At that point, President Bush was  hurried off stage by his press secretary  Dana Perino, who rumor has it, has tried to quit the position several times even though there are only 18 days left.  To end proceedings, several reporters removed their shoes and threw them at the empty podium, an act that has become a tradition at whitehouse  press conferences in recent weeks.

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