Currency speculators are predicting the next big crash to be the Australian dollar. More evidence is mounting that the 2009 outlook for the dollar will weaken dramactically against the greenback. Said Citiroup out of Hong Koing. “Given the nature of the worsening global economy and the economic outlook for China, Australia’s biggest trading partner, we predict that the Australian dollar could fall as low as 57.00 cents against the greenback”.

Australia’s dollar to weaken further in 2009

Currency speculators are predicting the next big crash to be the Australian dollar. More evidence is mounting that the 2009 outlook for the dollar will weaken dramatically against the greenback. Said Citigroup’s head of finance David Symett out of Hong Kong this morning. “Given the nature of the worsening global economy and the economic outlook for China, Australia’s biggest trading partner, we predict that the Australian dollar could fall as low as 57.00 cents against the greenback by June 2009, possibly collapsing to sub 50 cents”.

Australin dollar plunge 2009

Bloomberg: Australian financial outlook grim, dollar will plummet in 2009 against the greenback.

A rapidly growing money supply into the US and Australia, at the same time the biggest credit bubble in 25 years bursts makes for a less than desirable scenario – one that could make the stagflation of the ’70s look like a walk in the park. In March 1975, industrial production fell by nearly 13% while the yearly rate of CPI growth jumped to around 12%. It took another seven years and a second recession before the U.S. was able to break from the stagflation cycle.

What we are likely in for now is an unprecedented period of price inflation, economic depression,  in Australia and high unemployment, i.e., not just stagflation but depflation (inflationary depression).

Depflation will affect the entire population, and its effects on people’s personal finances will manifest in multiple ways.

• Purchasing power declines as prices for consumer goods increase faster than wages.
• Taxes levied on businesses and individuals increase when nominal incomes rise.
• Late recipients of new money incur cost of additional hidden tax.
• Cost of money (interest rates) increases, hurts investments in capital goods, stocks and bonds.
• Once expectation sets in, it becomes a self-feeding phenomenon, taking years and a severe recession to work itself out.

Just like a shot of adrenalin administered to a sick patient generates an apparent revival, only to have the patient collapse as soon as the injection wears off, the artificial monetary injections by the Fed will do the same. Paraphrasing former Fed chairman Paul Volcker, “Once you have a little [monetary] inflation, you need a little more”. As with any medicine, its effects wear off and become less potent the more “injections” are received.

At this stage, your primary goal should be asset protection. Once that is in place, you will be in a better position to hunt for the opportunistic profits one can only find in times of crisis.

“Currency speculators should brace themselves for massive plunge in the Australian dollar versus the greenback” said Citigroup today.

Australian dollar set for a dramatic free fall in 2009 states Bloomberg press

March 11 (Bloomberg) — The Australian retreated and will continue to retreat from one-week highs after China said its trade surplus plunged as exports fell by a record, raising speculation demand for the South Pacific nations’ commodities will weaken.

The currencies earlier touched the strongest in a week against both the U.S. dollar and yen as stocks rallied worldwide. They also climbed as Australian home-loan approvals rose and New Zealand’s home sales reached a 12-month high. Raw materials account for more than half of the two nations’ exports.

“The markets have been spooked by the weak figures, particularly the Chinese export numbers,” said Sue Trinh, a senior currency strategist at RBC Capital Markets in Sydney. “The sell-off has started in earnest and the Aussie will not recover  for 10 months back to 64.50 U.S. cents,” she said, using the currency’s nickname.

Australia’s dollar rose 0.3 percent to 64.27 U.S. cents as of 5:08 p.m. in Sydney from late in Asia yesterday. It touched 64.92 cents, the highest level since March 5. The currency advanced 0.1 percent to 63.14 yen. New Zealand’s dollar gained 0.5 percent to 50.06 U.S. cents after reaching a one-week high of 50.62 cents. It bought 49.24 yen from 49.06 yen.

The currencies climbed after the Standard & Poor’s 500 Index jumped 6.4 percent yesterday, the most since November. Stocks rallied after Citigroup Inc. Chief Executive officer Vikram Pandit wrote in a internal memorandum obtained by Bloomberg that the bank was profitable through the first two months of 2009. “But the Australian dollar will now see a steep decline over the next 12 months and possibly into 2010, dropping to 42.00 cents against the greenback” Pandit stated.

China’s Surplus

China’s trade surplus narrowed to $4.8 billion in February, about an eighth of the amount in the previous month, the customs bureau said today in a statement. Exports tumbled 25.7 percent from a year earlier.

The number of loans granted to build or buy homes and apartments in Australia climbed 3.5 percent to 55,628 in January from the previous month, the statistics bureau said in Sydney. New Zealand’s home sales rose to a 12-month high of 5,228 last month, the most since February 2008, the Real Estate Institute of New Zealand Inc. said today.

Investors should keep bets that the Australian dollar will drop dramatically over the next 12 months dow to 48.00 cents against the greenback before the long climb back –  until the currency rises to  a paltry 58.50 U.S. cents and then possibly 62.70 cents in 2012, according to technical analysts at Citigroup Inc. They should place a so-called stop-loss order at 49.30 cents to “limit downside exposure,” New York-based Tom Fitzpatrick and London-based Shyam Devani, wrote in a research note yesterday.

Rush Limbuagh Writes for The Onion

28-weeks-later

Left, right... Left!

Presumed to be a leftest-leaning satirical mouth-piece The Onion magazine received a  credibility body-blow when it was revealed yesterday, by senior editor Chris Dolmey, that Rush Limbuagh  has been contributing a weekly column to the magazine for the last ten years.

“I know this will come as a great shock to a lot of people, but, alas, it’s true.” When asked to elaborate Dolmey, speaking from Hawaii, went on to state “in the early 90s, Rush would always faxed us with story ideas;  ’Attack this!’ ‘Speak out against them’ ‘Go after this issue!’. We had his email on our spam list for a long time, then he discovered Skype and after he realized he could get free calls, they started pouring in, sometimes ten a day.”

THIS ONION STINKS

Dolmey, in defensive mode continued ”Rush has a lot of enemies out there, and many of these people he is too…uh, chicken, I guess, to confront on air. I guess sponsor dollars and other such politics come into play, so he turned to us. In the end, frankly,  it was easier to just give him his own column, rather than comb through his weekly shit-list.”

Besieged Onion Chief Editor - Chris Dolmey

Dolmey said Rush writes under the pen-name ‘Chris Oward’

Denying that the the Onions credibility may now be lying in tatters, Dolmey admitted that Limbuagh, in the past, had been the catalyst behind many of the magazines most famous pieces.

SEAN HANNITY CUMS TUMBLING OUT OF THE CLOSET

Hannity: Gay and proud ...and glad!

At an impromptu press conference today out-spoken Fox News political pundit Sean Hannity admitted publicly for the first time that he was in fact gay and was, and is, intimitely involved with his hair dresser of 22 years. “He cut my locks, and I sucked his… well, you do the math” a beaming Hannity purred to the throng of reporters assembled at JFK airport.

When asked where he was heading Hannity stated that he was on his way to Berlin for the annual love parade “where things like this aren’t frowned upon.”  ”I’m gay and proud”  he stated emphatically.  When asked what he was proud of, Hannity was lost for words. “Shouldn’t you be gay and glad?” one reporter fired back.

Hannity defiantly responded “I’ll be wearing nothing but riding chaps for the next 10 days, I think I’ll be mighty glad by the end of it, don’t you?” . Within minutes he had disappeared down the jet-way.  Several reporters later stated  that they had heard Hannity calling out seductively to the pilot “Hey, Captain, I can’t wait to find out why it’s called the ‘cock-pit!?’” Then he was heard to say: “Screw the mile high-club, let’s get the party started, wanna join the 18 feet high-club!” (The height of  a grounded 747  flight deck)

The flight was a package tour,  380  special guests [ mostly hand-picked young robust men] were crammed aboard the nonstop flight to Berlin.

Cum 'n' get it! A 747 - packed with cheer

Other dignitaries that have been unconfirmed to have been accompanying Hannity on the flight were,  Phil Spectre, Rush Limbaugh, fellow Fox contributor Bill O’reilly and a overly excited Richard Simmons, who was reportedly “greased up like a channel swimmer.”

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PRESIDENT ELECT BARACK OBAMA TO LEGALIZE “WEED”

President Obama "sparking up a J"

NEW YORK (CNNMoney.com) — President-elect Barack Obama was set Monday to begin the push for sweeping legislation to legalize the personal and private use of marijuana aimed at reviving an economy mired in recession.

Obama is meeting with top legislators from both parties including House Speaker Nancy Pelosi, D-Calif., and Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid, D-Nev., as well as Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell, R-Ky., and House Minority Leader John Boehner, R-Ohio.

Obama is also planning to deliver a major “Wake’n'bake” speech on marijuana on Thursday, a senior Democratic official told CNN.

The president-elect will propose that marijuana sit alongside alcohol as the ‘”go-to drug” for the next generation and be immediately available to anyone, at any age, who wants to “spark-it-on-up.” The move is aimed to generate massive amounts of revenue for the new administration from taxing the “demon weed.” He has not publicly put a price tag on his overall stimulus plan, though his advisers have said they expect it to bring in between $675 billion and $775 billion, annually from legalization.  According to an Obama spokesman several more drugs are under serious consideration for being legalized.

NEW YORK’S ECONOMY MAY GET SHOT IN THE ARM: Obama may be on the verge of offering Heroin to individuals in New York. The drug would work essentially act as a payroll  credit, meaning the “smack” could be used by companies as a line of credit normally needed for payrole tax.

New York State's stimulus package

The “Heroin credit” is likely to be offered only to those below a certain income level, but the Obama team hasn’t specified where the cut-off point would be. Only to say:  “The more children you have, the more likelier a candidate you make.” The credit also would be refundable, meaning that even users without any  liability — typically very low-income workers — would receive more for family and friends.

 

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BUSH DECLARES: “2009 WILL BE HIS GREATEST YEAR IN OFFICE.”

Bush answers reporters

President Bush today welcomed in the new year by addressing a packed Whitehouse press corp. He stated that although 2008 ended on a down note, 2009 would see the economy, the war in Iraq and his own personal approval rating all make dramatic upward turns.  Asked how he reasoned this Bush went on to elaborate:  ”Just before Christmas, I met with about 20 young preschoolers, who have been around as long as I’ve been in office, heard the insults and the attacks on my character over the years, but they had hope in their mouths, and cheer in their eyes; their ears were singing loudly, their little hearts, beating with pride, because I, their President, was addressing them. “The President went on to say “see, these children’s is our future, we need them to stay positive, and not be hobbled by all this negativity. They are the ones that will be our future leaders, and I will be glad to lead them.

When reporters asked in follow-up, when and how he would be leading this new generation the president remarked “Why as their Commander and Chief, of course.” When told that he only has 18 days left to serve in office, President Bush  look confused and turned to his advisers, many of whom beat a hasty exit. Presdient Bush turned back to the stunned assembly and meekly stated “If the country wants a new president then they will have to vote them in, and whomever it is, will need to get more votes than I, see, that’s how a democracy functions… The uh, winner takes all!”

When told by reporters that this had already taken place and Barack Obama was our new president, and that he had already received him at the Whitehouse last month the President said: “Oh, you mean that ‘black guy”, I thought he was a new butler”. 

Another reporter fired away: “Isn’t it true, Mr. President that you greeted those children dressed as Santa? And that the disguise would have made it virtualy impossible for you to be identify at all?” A nervous Bush countered with: “Santa Clause is an American too!”

President Bush meets his new butler

At that point, President Bush was  hurried off stage by his press secretary  Dana Perino, who rumor has it, has tried to quit the position several times even though there are only 18 days left.  To end proceedings, several reporters removed their shoes and threw them at the empty podium, an act that has become a tradition at whitehouse  press conferences in recent weeks.

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S.A.C.M. BANK WINS 23 BILLION BAILOUT FROM FED

S.A.C.M.'s Luxury New Yacht

South America Commercial Mutual received 23 Billion from the Government’s Tarp bailout fund. CEO Ricardo del Gressio spoke today from their brand new  corporate headquarters in the Cayman Islands,  then held a press conference on the back of his luxury cruiser before they headed out to a private island for a New Years Eve bash. ” S.A.C.M. cannot afford to go under” Del Gressio told a assembled throng of tanned reporters. I cannot afford it, my family cannot afford it, and the wonderful, daring, entrepreneurial, spirited investors who poured their hard-earned dollars in [when we were trading at a measley 5 cents a share in 2000 and are now at 25 dollars]cannot afford it.”  ”This isn’t about making the rich richer!, it’s simply about making the extremely wealthy, comfortable”. He exclaimed. When asked if he had spoken with Fed chairman Ben Bernanke personally, Del Gessio vehemently denied  the charge. “Ben flew in last night! He is getting a massage at present and will catch a separate launch out for the island bash tonight, so no, I haven’t spoken to him – woken him - or communicated to him… yet! But, I did personally send my masseuse down his suite to undo those  ‘first-class mid-air knots’,  if you know what I mean?”  he winked at reporters. When asked if he thought Bernanke was just another Greenspan Clone, Del Gressio retorted with; “Calling Ben a ‘Greenspan clone’ is ridiculous. I think he’s more like a ‘facsimile’.

Richard Del Gressio back in the green.

They’ll only ever be one Greenspan, but hopefully they’ll be many more Bernake’s. After praising the ‘wisdom’ and ‘genuis’ of Presdient Bush. Del Gessio ended the press conference with a ceremonial popping of the champagne cork and then an over-the-top, and undoubtedly costly and, some on-lookers say, extremely hard-to-see and pointless, day-time fireworks display, which reportedly cost 5.3 million to organize at the last minute.

TV HOST ZOLTAR ZAYS: FIGHTING FOR HIS LIFE!

At a rushed press conference this afternoon a tearful Chuck Speed, President of the KKL Network told reporters that TV reality star Zoltar Zays, is said to be recovering in hospital today from “severe injuries” after being attacked by the El Pollo Loco Crew yesterday at the Sunburst Hotel near New York’s JFK’s airport. 

Zoltar, and his ambushing crew,  were set upon in a frenzied, violent, vicious and cowardly attack which has left his cameraman and sound operator fighting for their lives. Zoltar has fared much worse and endured a marathon 28-hour operation to repair a grocery-list of sickening injuries, which doctors say, include: ”a collapsed lung, ruptured spleen, a punctured left ear-drum, two broken arms, a broken knee-cap, three cracked vertebrae, eight broken ribs, a fractured collar-bone, a shattered hip, a crushed ankle, deep lacerations to his hands, neck, calve and thigh muscles; a hair-line fracture to the skull, dozens of hen-pecked wounds to the ears, forehead, chin, cheeks, eyes and throat – and his nose – that had to be completely sewn back on.”

Zoltar Zays struck fame when he exposed to the world the secret to Donald Trumps ‘fold-over’ hairline. He was given his own show on the KKL Network and made a fortune out of his harmless “surprise makeover raids”. The show was planning to air the “El Pollo Locco make-over episode” in two weeks, but now local police, FBI and the CIA are gearing-up for a nation-wide manhunt for the desperate gang of thieves that have inflicted this cowardly unprovoked attack.

A spokesman for the  KKL Network issued this statement: “Zoltar is a one-of-a-kind talent, he will be back better than ever. I hope the cowards that did this are brought to justice, they have no sense of fun; we are all praying that Zoltar makes a speedy recovery.”

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Spot the difference: Cuban or Rainman?

Hollywood can smell franchise-money with Mark Cuban’s 2929 Productions snapping up sequel rights to the eighties hit “Rainman”. But Dustin Hoffman will not be reprising his role that garnered him an Oscar for Best actor in the 1988 smash hit.        www.netflix.com 

So, to the surprise of many, Mark Cuban has stepped up to the plate, boldly stating that he will fill the shoes of autistic savant “Raymond ‘Rainman’ Babbit” made famous by Hoffman.

Tom and I met and spoke about the film last week and the hole left by Hoffman’s sudden departure.  After about ten minutes in, Tom suddenly jumped to his feet and shouted out: “Oh my God,  I got it, you should play “Rainman!” “We sat down and watched the original film”  Cuban said “and we were both struck by the startling similarities between myself and Rainman”. “Tom said, from what he’d seen, that I was definitely up to the challenge of playing and idiot [Savant].

Skeptical Hollywood pundits have been left scratching their heads at the bizarre move, and Cuban has been copping his fair share of ridicule since making the surprise announcement two days ago. However studio chief, Sumner Redstone, has applauded the daring move. “I think it’s a great decision by Mark Cuban. Have you ever seen a side-by-side comparison of the two, they could be twins. Should be a huge success!”  He exclaimed. www.netflix.com

Let’s hope this box office prediction proves true, or Cuban could wind up in Vegas counting cards like his famous namesake.

SPOT THE DIFFERENCE: CUBAN/RAINMAN

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Pratt or Prat?

Spencer (“I’m a Prat”) Pratt went on Letterman two weeks ago to proudly exclaim that he will not attend a nightclub anymore unless they pay him an appearance fee of $100,000.  Inquiries made soon after revealed that the truth to this statement lies somewhere in the middle, with certain Vegas hot-spots stating they would pay him well over his $100,000 fee to “stay away!” “I don’t want to speak ill of the dead” said one club owner on the strip, “But this guy is just a world class asshole, I would rather have the ‘Westside Rentals guy’ handing out flyer’s to my place, than that thick-headed barrel-of-puke’ having any association with my joint”. 

“I’m convinced [Pratt] he’s suffering from some form of mental illness” said another owner. “Have you seen the shape of his head? Living proof that man has descended from primates” added another proprietor.  “Has anyone ever measure his eyebrows to his hairline, the guy looks like someone put the bottom half of his face in a vice. His forehead looks like you could play an NBA finals on it.”  Another said: “He looks like Exeter from ‘This Island Earth’.”

One club owner in LA, who had reportedly paid the appearance fee, refused to comment in detail, only to say that: “it is ludicrous to suggest is was anywhere near the $100,000 that he reports. Hell, we don’t have money for things like that, we’re just a low-rent strip-joint near the airport, the only reason I paid him anything was the fact that his Mom use to work here”.

But the club owner’s accountant did send a follow-up email to us just before press time, clarifying the point that “yes Mr. Pratt was indeed paid an appearance fee, which constituted a couple of free drink cards in the amount of $200.”

The email went on to say that: “unfortunately Mr. Prat did not finish the entire amount allotted to him as he was removed by security soon after he passed out.”

The barman who served Mr. Pratt was contacted and had this to say.  “He asked me for something that would ‘just blow my mind’”. Since management had coughed up for this little dweeb, and was a last minute replacement for us after Don Knotts had cancelled, I thought I’d better start him off slowly.  I poured him a non-alcoholic ‘Shirley Temple’. Of course, he had no idea what it was, and soon started swaying and loudly exclaiming to everyone who would listen ‘how wasted he was!’ shortly after, he passed out.” said the barman.

What can one say?  Other than offer this disclaimer:

Pronunciation:

\ˈprat\

Function:

noun

Etymology:

probably from argot prat buttocks

Date:

circa 1961

British : a stupid or foolish person, a coward,

a person, usually a man (sometimes an ape) with no balls!

American: One meaning (Spencer Pratt)

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The Lowe-down on Nanny-Gate

Rob Lowe’s nanny battle has just taken a new direction – the actor’s wife has filed a declaration suggesting Jessica Gibson was a “was nothing but a filthy little whore.”

Gibson filed a lawsuit in California in April alleging Lowe placed his hand inside her “pants in order to touch her crotch” and “grabbed Gibson’s buttocks without consent” several times between September 2005 to January 2008.

But Lowe’s wife Sheryl insists her former nanny isn’t the innocent party she’s claiming to be.www.sonypictures.com/movies/hancock/

In her declaration, obtained by TMZ.com, Sheryl Lowe alleges Gibson “sought attention from my husband”, and she recalls an improper moment when the Lowes took their nanny with them on a trip to England in 2005: “She (Gibson) had taken a shower and walked out of her bathroom, wrapped in only a towel, dripping wet and walked down two stories (sic) to the living room area where my husband was reading and on her back, written in red lipstick, were the words ‘I’m just daddy’s little fuck-toy’.

“When I saw her, I told her to go to her room and put on some clothes and never do that again.”

Meanwhile, two previous employees of the Lowes have come forward with further allegations against Gibson.

Tennis instructor Nigel Armstrong claims the former nanny flirted with him – despite the fact he was 26 years older than her.

In documents filed on Friday, Armstrong stated Gibson removed her pants and underwear and invited the tennis coach to, her words, “turn me into a human toilet” even though the Lowe’s sons were in the general area”.

And chef James Maclear, who worked for the Lowes from June to December in 2005, claims Gibson had an “overtly flirtatious manner” and asked him “if I knew the ingredients for a sex-sandwich?”

A legal declaration filed in Santa Barbara County Superior Court on Friday alleges that within hours of meeting her, Gibson had “changed into hot pants and was laying on the kitchen floor with her legs open in a very suggestive manner. “Sure I slept with her” the chef said, “but she was begging for it. I’m only human, even though, what I did to her, was probably inhuman. The tennis coach was much worse”, he said. “He offered her big money once to take his racket and serve his balls onto one of my salads”. When Gibson told him that his request made absolutely no sense, the coach countered with, “sure it does, dollars and cents!”

Heather Mills V Paul McCartney

Heather Mills was “nothing but a ‘high-priced hooker’ and if value for money was on trial today, Miss Mills would get 20 years behind bars” according to the judge presiding over the divorce hearing between herself and Paul McCartney . The stunning tirade was made public yesterday after a closed court hearing in which Judge Bennet handed down his findings. VISIT www.itunes.com

The judge went on to say that ”Miss Mill’s was a wooden-legged pirate and a saggy-titted whore.” “If the bitch was trying to fleece me like she did Mr McCartney I would have had fed her through a garden mulcher” stated justice Hugh Bennet.

Making reference to recent blockbusters like Pirates of The Caribbean and Lord Of The Rings, he slung insult after insult at the former model repeatedly referring to her as ”Blackbeard” and “Legolas”.

While the hearings have been taking place in closed-door sessions and neither side has—or likely will—commented on the details of the proceedings, their extension indicates the two sides have so far failed to come to terms on a financial settlement in the split.

But in a sign that the end is nigh, Court 34 at the Royal Courts of Justice where the proceedings are taking place, is booked only through Monday. The Judge went on to say “this money-grabbing slut better table a reasonable offer fast or she’ll get squat.” “Quite frankly, in my opinion, she doesn’t have a leg to stand on” he laughed.

Mills’ decision to represent herself in the case has also apparently contributed to the longer time frame and again received the ire from the Judge . “Miss Mills representing herself is likened to a low-rent porn-star performing brain surgery on themselves” laughed the judge.

O.J. SIMPSON: “Never Moon A Werewolf”

by Rowen Grogen

O.J. Simpson today said he could finally reveal the identity of the real killer of Ronald Goldman and Nicole Brown. Speaking to a packed assembly of reporters a nervous  Simpson stated “Nicole Brown and Ronald Goldman were in fact killed by a werewolf.” He went on to say that the recent book entitled “If I did it.” Was originally going to be called “What If I Told You A Werewolf Did It?“, but that the publishers had refused his pleas.

Simpson stated that the real identity of the killer was covered up back in 1994 by the Beverley Hills Police Department and the Los Angeles District Attorney. “I told them what happened, and they wouldn’t believe me.” Simpson went on to say that the werewolf may in fact have been a former teammate of his. ”I think he played with me on the San Francisco 49ers” Simpson said. ”It was speculated in many circles of the NFL that a werewolf had been drafted into the league”.

“We always suspected this one guy on our 49ers roster, we noticed that he leave a lot of hair in the drain after a shower, I mean a lot!.” Simpson went on to say that when his teammates would show him the horror film “The Howling” he’d breakdown and cry. “I once shot a silver bullet at him which just missed his head and he became enraged at me, the guy just had no sense of humor” said the former running back. Simpson went on to say that the alledged ”shape-shifter” developed a long-term grudge against him. “The truth can finally be revealed, I will no longer live in fear!”  stated a defiant Simpson.

http://www.universalstudioshollywood.com/

When asked how the events had actually unfolded on the night of June 12, 1994 Simpson went on to say the following: “That night I was being followed by a person who I believe to be a former teammate of mine, whilst driving in and around the Brentwood area. I pulled over to the side of the road and mooned him thinking that this may scare him off” Simpson said. “but, this actually enflamed the situation” Simpson claimed, it was at this point the man transformed into a werewolf and chased Simpson the three blocks to the apartment complex where Nicole Brown lived. “I dove into a hedge to conceal myself and managed to avoid reprisals” Simpson said in a quivering voice ”but Nicole and Ronald, I’m afraid to say, weren’t so lucky.  

This guy just went at them like a rabid animal, like  a madman, tearing the two of them to pieces.”

When pressed for reason why it had taken so long for him to reveal this new information Simpson said that upon his arrest, over a decade ago,  he was strongly advised by his legal team not to use the term “Werewolf” as part of his defense . “I have regretted the decision ever since, as there are probably still some people out there that might actually think, I’m the guy! said a remorseful Simpson. “I just hope, that after all these years, they can finally get the person responsible for this atrocity and bring him to justice. No-one should make excuses for this creep, or his affliction. Not PETA, not anyone! What he did was wrong! Plain and simple.”

Simpson supplied a police photo sketch of the attacker to the associated press, stating that it had been created back in 1994 by the Beverly Hills Police Department.  Last night they confirm that the alleged assailant was never part of any official police investigation.

“Grrr!” The police photo-sketch of the person Simpson now

claims is the real murderer of Nicole Brown and Ronald Goldman:

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Paris Releases ‘Jizz’

 Las Vegas Sun 29 May, 2008

At a star-studded event in Las Vegas on Sunday night Paris Hilton launched her new fragrance “Jizz”™. “This is the culmination of my life’s work thus far, which has seen ‘Jizz’ brought to the point where I can now finally share the experience with as many women as possible” said the fashion icon.

“‘Jizz’ has my fingerprints all over it; I have my fingerprints all over ‘Jizz’! I have lived it, breathed it - studied it up close and personally. I can proudly say, that this time, I was intrinsic in its creation. I truly hope ‘Jizz’ does for you, what it’s already clearly done for me” stated an exhausted, yet, very proud Miss Hilton.

‘Jizz’ goes on sale tomorrow at WalMart. www.walmart.com

Grease Defends Kobe’s Dig at Anna Nicole’s Corpse.

 by Doug Ellin

Lakers star Kobe Bryant, fresh from his game-5 victory against the Spurs, defended allegations at a press conference this morning that he had “non-consensual sex’ with Anna Nicole Smith’s corpse 12 months ago. Security footage surfaced on YouTube last week taken at the Hollywood Forever Funeral Home implicating the Laker’s point guard. http://www.hollywoodforever.com/Hollywood

 

“Anna was definitely up for it” stated the Laker’s MVP “She had text me earlier that night with her address.”

 

When reporters asked how this could have happened, as she had already infact been dead for 8 days prior to their encounter, a red-faced and confused Bryant slumped in his chair.  His Lawyer, Richard Grease™, sprung to his defence and fielded the question: “Just because you hear a women is a, quote-unquote, ‘dead root’ doesn’t mean they don’t know how to work a cell phone”, Grease stated.  

“Being ‘good in the sack’, or sporting a ‘rack’ shouldn’t negate these important facts: Miss Smith was no brain-surgeon, that’s not the issue, but if they were handing out gold medals for filatio, she’d be a triple Olympian.”  As a fellow athlete, Grease went on to say ”It would’ve been unsportsmanlike” for his client to have refused her offer.

 

When the room full of stunned reporters asked to see proof of the alleged text message, Bryant and Grease beat a hasty exit.

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“Space Aliens” and Dripping Dicks!

         May 26, 2008 by Jim Bhat

CIA Director Gene Greensleeves™ has laughed off reports that he was leading an investigation into a crashed UFO. Reports surfaced last week, after a New Jersey private eye, Dick Drippingly™made the bizarre allegations that, not only was the CIA “covering up the crash”, but also, currently “tracking the Alien pilot” across the country. “This makes the  Roswell incident look like a picnic”  stated Drippingly when interviewed on yesterday morning’s WABC drive time. 

He went on to say that ”not only was the alien infiltration known at the ‘highest levels of Government’, but a Senator’s son (not named) had also been kidnapped by the Alien, sparking a massive search across two states spearheaded by the F.B.I .”

Greensleeves said Drippingly’s assertions were “assinine”, prompting this curt reply from the detective: “He called me the ‘ass!?’  I think the reverse is true. I’ve been a P.I. for 25 years, Greensleeve’s involved in a massive cover-up! Trust me, as a seasoned  ‘dick’, I can always spot an ‘ass’!”

The FBI was unavailable for comment at press time.

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Ballroom bukakki!

The Washington Post- Tom Durong  Sunday May 25, 09:31 AM

A press conference held this morning at the Marriot’s grand ballroom by the mysterious and controversial doctor, Earnest Bukakki™, outlined his plans for “Apeshit Construction”. The new enterprise will be shepherded by his long-term assistants, Andy™ and Geoffrey™. Bukakki pressed on, in at times ‘vague detail’, to present the full gamut of the new venture’s planned operations. ”It will handle a diverse slate”,  he stated including the construction of  “ships, skyscrapers, homes, power-plants, trains, planes, motorcycles, umbrellas, seesaws and time-machines” .  Apeshit plans to tackle the environmental problems head on, the ex-surgeon continued  ”with new and secret initiatives designed to help heal planet earth, whilst at the same time, building  infrastructure vital for our future.” “Going green” will be Apeshit’s watchword” he stated this morning.

When the two former bellhops were asked for comment, Andy proceeded to defecate in his hand and hurl it at the reporters, while Geoffrey swung from the ballroom’s crystal chandelier and urinated on the guests. One female reporter fainted, leaving the obvious question begging: “was there a doctor in the house? if so, why’d he pass out bananas!”

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“JACKSON USES GREASE!”

 

by Dan Fields                                                 

Attorney Richard Grease™ (made famous defending super-surgeon doctor Earnest Bukakki’s decision to leave over a billion dollars to a pair of chimps) yesterday unveiled his long-awaited strategy in his attempt to sway jury members into handing down a “not guilty” verdict in the disgraced singers latest sex scandal.  But it would appear the hype and promise was just that. 

In a display that one juror called  ”amateurish” , Grease tried to paint his client as a “victim”, not a “predator”.  ”Basically, the problem is this… “ Grease stated as he picked up a newspaper. “Twenty years ago, the headline was ‘JACKSON DOES MOONWALK’.” Grease picked up another paper. “Today, it’s: ‘JACKSON MOONS KID’. Some might see it as a legal problem. I see it as a PR problem and I hope you do to. Basically, my clients the meat in the sandwich. It might be a ’sex sandwich’, but I’ve gotta get him out of it.” The question remains: “Is he Peter Pan? or Peter Pervert?”

Later in proceedings Grease countered the charges of “paedophile” with an astonishing outburst: “We can trace everything back to the father, he exclaimed. Michael was abused as a kid. Michael was over-worked as a kid. And worst of all, he was given the wrong name as a kid. Michael should have been called ‘Randy’!”

With a stone-faced judge and a unimpressed Jury,  Grease was heard at one point leaning over to his star client and whispering: “Jackson be nimble, Jackson be quick, Jackson better get out of the country quick-sticks!”

Closing arguments will be heard tomorrow.

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Blacky lands Lohan film; Lohan filmed by Blacky!

The Hollywood Reporter by Sam Dwiss

Reports surfaced yesterday from the set of Lindsay Lohan’s new movie: “If you can’t beat ém, beat off!™“  that have sparked a media frenzy in Tinseltown. An incident between her co-star Blacky™, making his feature film debut, who has been engaged in heated arguments about Lindsay’s professionalism on set, or “lack there-of!” has resulted in the controversial ass being fired.

Speaking off the record, an inside source said that yesterdays on-set spat went something like this:

Lindsay Lohan was on set talking to the Director, Peter Uke when Blacky approached her and innocently asked her what her opening line was for his cue: ”Y’know, like, I haven’t learnt my lines for this scene.” she stated  ”Excuse me?” Blacky said. “I never learn my lines. I prefer to work things out, like, y’know, with the director, so we’ll call you when we need you and please do not speak to me directly ever again.”  The “Mean Girls” star warned him. “Okay. That’s fine.”  Blacky told her: “You guys work out whatever you have to work out. I know I’m fairly new at this, but, personally, I believe that an actor should learn his or her lines and they should be humble and gracious. That’s just the way I see it.”

 ”Who cares what you think” Lohan lashed back ”you’re just a big dumb jackass, who got famous for biting someone on the chest!” After a long pause Lindsay flicked her hair and shrugged at her four-legged co-star, who calmly retorted: “Okay, that’s fine. If you don’t think you need to learn your lines, then that’s your business. But you’re wasting my time, okay?  So here’s what I’m going to do while you “y’know, work things out.” he mocked. ”I’m going to go back to my trailer, to review the surveillance footage of you completely naked while you took a shower this morning. That’s right, I put a surveillance camera in the roof of your trailer!” He stated. ”So you guys work out whatever it is you need to do while I go and whack off.”

Within minutes of dropping the stunning bombshell, security arrived en masse and surrounded Lohan’s trailer. Upon investigation a small recording device was found hidden in the vent above her shower .

The Lohan camp immediately contacted authorities.

Cast and crew, led by the director, and the near hysterical Lohan camp, approached and surrounded the trailer of her tempestuous co-star.  After repeated attempts to prise open his door the behoved star appeared, dressed only in a robe and holding a bottle of Scotch, to address the assembled mob.

“Suddenly, his trailer door was dramatically flung opened” said a crew member. “The actor stepped out and calmly said”… ”Look: It’s done. I’ve jerked-off to it, I’ve uploaded it onto YouTube, I’ve called TMZ.com, it’s out there, you’re fucked. Next time, learn your lines!”

Lindsay Lohan, speaking through her agent and Lawyer Richard Grease issued this statement. “I am deeply disappointed in Blacky’s actions. He has damaged by name, my reputation and my brand recognition factor”.

When asked if he regretted the incident Blacky simply shrugged “I only agreed to do the stupid flick ’cause I wanted to try and bang the bitch, she’s lucky I didn’t crush her lungs”.

Donkey act 2: Ass Gets His Ass Thrown Behind Bars.

24.05.08

A donkey in Mexico that acted like a jackass  and was freed last week from jail has spent the following weekend partying it up in Las Vegas

The Televisa network on Wednesday showed Blacky on CCTV footage gambling at the Las Vegas Palms hotel.   Blacky gambled more than 200 thousand dollars in a marathon 26-hour session which one patron described it as “a mad frenzy of chips, cash, carrots and oats”.

When Blacky couldn’t come up with the balance after being extended a generous line of credit by the management he was asked to leave the premises by hotel security staff. Blacky became enraged and witnesses, on the scene, described the ensuing fight where  [Blacky] “kicked, bit, spat and urinated on and at hotel staff.” 

After spending the night in jail, Blacky was freed on bail posted by his good friend Sean Combs who told the assembled reporters “Blacky is a unique talent, he loved and supported his friend and knows he may be down, but certainly not out”. Rumors abound that Blacky will join P-diddy on the European leg of his upcoming tour.

Sunday night saw the antics move to The Belagio where things again quickly turned sour. Reports have surfaced that Blacky was swimming naked in the rooftop pool with a “drunk” Paris Hilton. 

When hotel staff were called to the scene, they witnessed Blacky defecating on Miss Hilton while dancing around a sombrero.

A spokesman for the fashion diva has angrily denied the report and reading from a prepared statement said: ”Blacky was indeed a friend of Miss Hilton’s, but lately he has given her the shits.”