At a rushed press conference this afternoon a tearful Chuck Speed, President of the KKL Network told reporters that TV reality star Zoltar Zays, is said to be recovering in hospital today from “severe injuries” after being attacked by the El Pollo Loco Crew yesterday at the Sunburst Hotel near New York’s JFK’s airport. 
Zoltar, and his ambushing crew, were set upon in a frenzied, violent, vicious and cowardly attack which has left his cameraman and sound operator fighting for their lives. Zoltar has fared much worse and endured a marathon 28-hour operation to repair a grocery-list of sickening injuries, which doctors say, include: ”a collapsed lung, ruptured spleen, a punctured left ear-drum, two broken arms, a broken knee-cap, three cracked vertebrae, eight broken ribs, a fractured collar-bone, a shattered hip, a crushed ankle, deep lacerations to his hands, neck, calve and thigh muscles; a hair-line fracture to the skull, dozens of hen-pecked wounds to the ears, forehead, chin, cheeks, eyes and throat – and his nose – that had to be completely sewn back on.”
Zoltar Zays struck fame when he exposed to the world the secret to Donald Trumps ‘fold-over’ hairline. He was given his own show on the KKL Network and made a fortune out of his harmless “surprise makeover raids”. The show was planning to air the “El Pollo Locco make-over episode” in two weeks, but now local police, FBI and the CIA are gearing-up for a nation-wide manhunt for the desperate gang of thieves that have inflicted this cowardly unprovoked attack.
A spokesman for the KKL Network issued this statement: “Zoltar is a one-of-a-kind talent, he will be back better than ever. I hope the cowards that did this are brought to justice, they have no sense of fun; we are all praying that Zoltar makes a speedy recovery.”
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